It is a lamentable fact that we’ve spent most of the last year in a pot sustained self-indulgent bliss. But we woke up a few weeks ago and asked, has this all been a hallucination? A dream? Perhaps.
We had this wild dream that a dude who thought that China does not have nuclear capabilities was actually running to be the Commander-in-Chief of the United States. We really should stop taking Prozac and Viagra together. Hard times.
Perhaps it’s time that we emerge from the shadows of the Witless Protection Program and showcase our literary delicacies--call it self-help. The last time we dabbled in introspection we ended up having an awkward exchange with a Tufts Mental Health Services worker who we swear was encouraging us to go ahead and snort the crushed uranium that we scored from our CIA friends at Fletcher. Thank god we settled for Mugar Cafe’s “San Francisco Blend” instead.
We admit, we’ve also spent some time at a handful of Occupy gatherings selling cleverly constructed anti-corporate slogans to rich ivy league dim wits camped outside corporate towers under REI tents and eating Campbell’s products, while, of course, mom and dad are funding the brief adventure via an online money transfer program made available by the good folks at Bank of America (we told them to chant Bank of Nomerica). Trust us the irony is killing us too. For the record, we have no shame in declaring our sincere wish to be part of the 1 percent; who the hell wants to be part of the 99 percent?
Needless to say, we have since been ardent in our belief that our suicidal compulsion and drug habits can only be reversed by hurting your feelings and making fun of your mediocre existence. Again. Let’s face it, somehow this place has gotten the crazy idea that peoples’ feelings are to be protected and it’s somehow wrong when others hurt them. The whole world is somehow turning into a giant drum circle. This is definitely not change we believe in.
Thus we present to you the Spring 2012 Issue. We have done our very best--between Social List shouting matches and pretentious appearances in some random do-good event that we only attend to stuff our bellies--to bring you a little bit of our crude humor. It is our hope that you enjoy our finely written articles from our fine editors and contributors.
In a joint statement forwarded to school administration and officials, Fletcher Creeps announced that they are highly upset and immensely infuriated that the annual Tufts Naked Quad Run (NQR) is no longer going to be around to satisfy their craving for hot young bodies.
The NQR, a long-standing tradition of Tufts university undergraduates, used to attract hundreds of fully naked hot young women to a designated area where they fearlessly brave the December cold and run in circles while their perfectly shaped breasts bounce in harmony. However, Christmas did not come early for area Fletcher creeps; Tufts administration has decided to end the supply of gorgeous and naked young babes. Demand, on the other hand, remains throbbingly high.
“This is bullshit,” said one Fletcher Creep who wished to remain anonymous, “I was so ready for the NQR, I even cleared the memory on my iPhone to take as many pictures as I can for those cold, lonely nights.”
At press time, Fletcher Creeps have announced that they will proceed to stare at undergraduate girls invitingly dressed in tights at Ginn Library. “That's the best we can do now,” added another creep, while simultaneously adjusting the positioning of his genitals with his right hand.
Somerville, MA—School officials at Tufts University released a new study Monday showing a 200% increase in the level of study group related assault on campus. The results came as a shock to administrators, who have led a month-long awareness campaign.
Dean Anthony Monaco of Tufts University encouraged vigilance: “what we know is this—study group assault usually begins with someone you know. You develop a rapport with someone, say hello in and out of class, then suddenly they spring without warning, demanding your email address and dividing up readings without explicit student consent. This type of assault is unconscionable and we will steadfastly defend our students’ studying integrity.”
Students and community leaders have organized a “Take Back the Book” rally in protest of the increase in study-related assault, to be held Wednesday, February 8 on the top floor of Ginn Library.
Kaplan Research Council denounced the effort, arguing that traditional study group practice is the most effective way to raise a successful student. Kaplan is rumored to be funding a smear campaign calling the rally a recruiting ground for closeted librarians.
Medford, MA—Confusion swept over the campus of Tufts University Monday as Michele Bachmann was announced as a guest lecturer at the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy for the Spring term.
Introducing the congresswoman, the Fletcher School’s Dean Stephen Bosworth anticipated the decision’s controversy, noting “it is said that those who cannot do, teach. With this principle in mind, I am pleased to welcome Michele Bachmann to the Fletcher School, where she will give critical instruction in policy making to the leaders of tomorrow. We remain committed to an intellectually diverse faculty that reflects a variety of perspectives. Whether or not you agree with her policies, Congresswoman Bachmann’s inclusion certainly honors that commitment.”
The move is hailed by the Students for Creative Anachronism, who consider her the foremost practitioner of their art.
In addition to her lectures on political effectiveness, Miss Bachmann will introduce two courses new to the Fletcher School: “Leveraging Medical Misinformation” and “Home Economics for the Expatriate Woman.”
In her inaugural lecture to the student body, Miss Bachmann appeared to only buttress criticism. Said Bachmann, “It’s an honor to teach here at one of Harvard University’s foremost institutions. Ever since I Wikipediaed the Boston Tea Party last year, I’ve felt a strong attachment to this part of New England. I look forward to the opportunity to lead such a talented group of undergraduate students.”
Miss Bachman’s selection comes on the heels of her estranged husband’s recent and unexplained decision to join a Brazilian monastery. When questioned, Bachmann noted that pair is “just as happily committed to each other as we were the day we married, and I know Marcus looks forward to spending a lot of time on his knees in Brazil.”