Viewpoints
Conservatives of the nation, unite! You have nothing to
lose but your dignity.
My friends, we live in desperate times. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this,
but it seems the liberal fascists in the White House are giving me no choice. I
have watched with despair, dismay, disgust, and many other words beginning with
‘D’ as Obama and his minions send the country tottering ever more quickly toward
disaster.
Our so-called leaders have callously rejected every reasonable plan suggested by
our noble conservative brethren, from tax cuts to the reduction of government
takings from companies and private citizens. They have ignored the warning signs
of the coming economic, social, and quite possibly literal Apocalypse. Their
disregard for the fragile future of our state calls for only one response:
Revolution.
That’s right, my friends, you read me correctly; it’s time we put down our
ploughshares and took matters into our own hands, because these liberals will
never understand anything if we don’t explain it with overwhelming force. To
make the Obama First crowd understand the pain they’re putting the country
through, we’re going to have think outside the box. We’re going to have to
really hit them where they live.
Now, I know that while you all unquestioningly support armed rebellion in
principle, in practice you have objections ranging from religious doctrine to
the fact that you are no longer allowed to legally purchase a firearm in this
country. Never fear! The time may not have come to put the traitors up against
the wall, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make them wish for death. Many years
ago, our brave forefathers started their own struggle for freedom with a simple,
symbolic act, one which still has meaning today, especially in this city. I’m
talking about the Boston Tea Party, of course.
Once, tea was the drink of choice for our elite overlords, and when we turned
Boston Harbor into one giant infusion we showed our erstwhile masters that we
were more than the quiescent masses they took us for. Some brave activists
across the land are even now attempting to recreate their feat. Of course, times
have changed, and we must change with them. This why I propose that we host a
series of nationwide Latte Parties and dump all the obnoxious, frothy,
fancy-named drinks liberals love so much into the nearest body of water.
Latte Parties will do more than just cleanse the country of beverages that
weaken our national spirit. They will strike fear into the heart of every
liberal, since they rely on these anti-American concoctions to function on a
daily basis. Deprived of their hippie-elitist-crack, liberals will no longer be
able to sustain the will to live, and will shortly wither away under the blight
of caffeine deprivation. Real Americans, of course, can keep drinking their
coffee black (with sugar) the way God intended.
The time has come for drastic measures, my fellow patriots, and we must speak in
a language our enemies understand. Starbucks at dawn – who’s with me?
Yours in arms,
The Arch Conservative
The Arch Conservative is defending America right now by analyzing
Obama's signature for the tell-tale signs of a socialist Muslim extremist. He
may review emails sent by fellow Christian Capitalists to
viewpoints@fletcherledger.com.
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