Research & Development
Professor Martel reveals weaponized Care Bear Stare
Professor Martel's research into technological innovation, space-age weapons
systems, and generally being an unusually nice guy came to fruition last week
when his lab developed a new breed of weaponized laser: the cheer-inducing laser
pointer.
Dubbed "The Care Bear Stare 3000," this state-of-the-art weapon represents a
warfighting paradigm shift so profound as to lead to a whole new unit in Role of
Force. Instead of injuring its target, it incapacitates enemy combatants by
inflicting a mood so ludicrously happy as to eradicate any feelings of hostility
or capacity for ill intent. Professor Martel envisions an eventual space-based
capability that could reduce whole armies to laying down their arms and singing
kumbaya.
While appearing identical to a standard classroom laser pointer, the Care Bear
Stare 3000 emits a powerful ray of rainbow beam designed to pulsate at precisely
the same wavelength as Abba songs. Martel's lab assistants, all indecently
chipper in an early-morning interview, refused to describe the exact technology
behind the Care Bear Stare 3000, divulging only that their work involved
extremely concentrated doses of puppies, glitter, chocolate, and Christmas
morning. An earlier Fletcher-specific version included the blood of Ginn
undergrads, but produced effects so blissful that the lab feared its addictive
potential.
Professor Martel plans to test the Care Bear Stare 3000 extensively at The
Fletcher School before delivering it to the Defense Department. Initial
experiments in his Foundations of Policy Analysis class have been promising.
Remarked one student after class, "I was just staring at the powerpoint and
thinking about Afghanistan and student loans and how I need to find my good
jacket and all the papers I need to write this week, and the next thing I knew,
Martel was zapping me with his laser pointer and I felt great!" Said another,
"Thesis? What thesis?" and then hugged this journalist, several passing
students, and Professor Jacques as he walked by. A third student, apparently not
hit by the incognito laser, asked, "What the hell is everyone so happy about? I
haven't seen this many smiles since the last garbage bag full of crushed donuts
appeared in the HoF."
The most dramatic demonstration of the Care Bear Stare 3000's potential for
diminishing hostility came in an unusual showdown between two professors in the
Hall of Flags on Monday morning. As Professor Drezner berated a student for a
"fucking idiotic" paper, Professor Martel attempted to intervene by writing
"A++" in sharpie over the original grade. Unfortunately, this merely escalated
the tension, until Martel stepped back, shouted, "CARE BEAR STARE!" and zapped
Drezner with his laser pointer (later revealing that shouting "Care Bear Stare!"
is not necessary for function, but that he likes the way it sounds). Professor
Drezner wandered off in a daze, and was last seen helping little old ladies
cross the street and handing out cupcakes in Ginn Library.
Dean Bosworth plans to take a prototype of the Care Bear Stare 3000 on his
upcoming trip to North Korea, where he figures that if it can't produce food and
peace, it might at least make people feel better about the situation. Professor
Martel remarks that he has similar hopes for finals time, and intends to keep
assaulting students with good cheer until we all study at The Fletcher School of
Hugs and Felicity.
Current Issue | Share Your Comments
Archive | Staff | Work for Us | The Fletcher School
