Tufts Named Most Dangerous College in Galaxy

MEDFORD, MASSACHUSETTS, USA, EARTH, SOLAR SYSTEM

In a recent poll by Alpha Centauri's "The Daily Suns," Tufts University was named the Milky Way Galaxy's most dangerous institution of higher learning. The study comes on the heels of the Earth-based Daily Beast's poll showing Tufts as the most dangerous in America. Tufts officials strongly refute both designations.

"Their methodologies are extremely flawed," said one Tufts University security official. "What about all the schools on GC-51, the planetoid object circling HR7001? It was obliterated by a comet just last week! And they don't even mention Sedna, the distant Trans-Neptunian Object floating around in the frigid vacuum of space. I'd say that's way more dangerous than Medford."

Tufts administrators also pointed to several universities swallowed up by the supermassive black hole near Sagittarius-A, claiming that by being swallowed by the event horizon's gaping maw, their students were infinitely more at risk than those at Tufts. Those in charge of the poll replied that since it's not clear if the black hole obliterated the universities in question or simply transported them to another part of the universe, they can't be considered technically "dangerous." Indeed, several Tufts students admitted that they would rather face the uncertainty of the infinite compression of space-time than walk to Powderhouse Square alone at night.

The remote University of the Oort Cloud, which came in second, declined to comment on the results of the study.